


Fall To Pieces

by lostnightsky



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Fuckbuddies, M/M, No Character Death, Smut, Zombie Apocalypse, but also not that serious, but shit happened, but that are in love with each other, changki, i am too soft for that, so there is some pretty nasty stuff going down, this was only supposed to be a quick fucc fic, tiniest bit of rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:09:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22584580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostnightsky/pseuds/lostnightsky
Summary: “Hey Ki.”Looking up over the top shelf at Changkyun on the next aisle, Kihyun frowns when he sees the amused grin on his face as he pulls up some thin nylon ropes.“Put that back, we don’t need rope.” He instructs before Changkyun can even say anything.“What about for personal use?” Changkyun lifts a brow, a sly smile on his face and Kihyun stares back blankly at him.“You see this?” He says listlessly, holding up a wrench. “I will. Throw it at you.” He threatens and Changkyun simpers, putting the ropes back on the shelf.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 13
Kudos: 160





	Fall To Pieces

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mrtvejpes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrtvejpes/gifts).



> Hello it is currently 5am and my eyes are burning but I am still posting this, please ignore any typos or mistakes ;;;;;;;
> 
> Anyways this is a sidestory to a showho fic (that only happened because Bàra put the idea in my head) that i have yet to write so i apologize if some parts seem rushed or like there's some information missing. I've tried my best to write it as its own thing (in case i end up never finishing the showho one rip)
> 
> Please enjoy kudos and comments are always appreciated;;;

Kihyun sighs as wipes the dust and grime to look at the expiration dates on the canned food strewn around the shelves. Some of them are salvageable but most risk getting people sick. Grabbing what he can and shoving it into his bag, Kihyun keeps an eye out for the other two in the store with him and for any possible lurker.

This convenience store is located in a pretty calm and deserted area but they can never be too sure. Never be too safe.

Approaching the hardware part of the store in case he sees something that could be useful, Kihyun stops at some tools.

“Hey Ki.”

Looking up over the top shelf at Changkyun on the next aisle, Kihyun frowns when he sees the amused grin on his face as he pulls up some thin nylon ropes.

“Put that back, we don’t need rope.” He instructs before Changkyun can even say anything.

“What about for personal use?” Changkyun lifts a brow, a sly smile on his face and Kihyun stares back blankly at him.

“You see this?” He says listlessly, holding up a wrench. “I will. Throw it at you.” He threatens and Changkyun simpers, putting the ropes back on the shelf.

“Come on, don’t act like you wouldn’t enjoy it.” Rounding the corner of the aisle to join him, Changkyun shows him what he actually found and Kihyun nods approvingly.

“I don’t need any rope to hold you down.” He says dismissively and Changkyun looks at him all too expectantly Kihyun almost wants to laugh.

“Come join me when I’m on duty tonight.” He offers as if they haven’t been meeting up every time one of them is on guard.

“Can the two of you at least  _ pretend _ like you don’t fuck in the armory?” Jooheon speaks with a loud sigh and while Kihyun has the decency to feel slightly guilty, Changkyun simply throws him finger guns with an unapologetic sorry.

“We should head out soon, Hyungwon probably found gas already,” Kihyun says and they all gather their supplies and set off to find the other man.

Just as he thought, it barely takes a minute for them to see the familiar pickup truck rolling up to them.

“Did you manage to find any?” Kihyun asks as he and Changkyun slip onto the seat and Jooheon jumps in the back to be on the lookout.

“Not much...We’re going to have to go further from now on.” He mutters and Kihyun hums.

He knew this would happen eventually. He knew they wouldn’t be able to keep to their somewhat safe circle forever. He knows they’re going to have to find a way through the red zone if they want to survive.

They’ve become pretty good at being self-sufficient but there over the past year but there are still things they need to set out to find for their people. 

“Let’s just drive through the herd and get it done with.” Changkyun shrugs and Kihyun sighs.

“Why are you always so confidently wrong and reckless?” Hyungwon asks, voice devoid of any emotion and Kihyun chuckles.

They all know Changkyun is smart and can be craftier than any of them if he needs to be but his approach toward things is somewhat questionable, to say the least.

“I’m still alive aren’t I?” He shoots back but before either of them can say anything back, they hear Jooheon banging on the roof of the truck making Hyungwon slow down.

“Lurkers on the bridge ahead.” Jooheon declares and Kihyun frowns.

“Should we just drive by?” Hyungwon asks.

“We’re getting pretty close to the shelter, we should take care of them.” He says, knowing they could cause worry for their people back there if they were to travel all the way to their fences.

“How many do you see?” Changkyun sticks his head out the rolled down window to look at Jooheon.

“Six? Maybe seven of them? They seem pretty scattered.”

The crease between Kihyun’s brows deepens. They drove through barely a few hours prior and there was nothing. 

He can’t help but wonder where so many of them came from.

“Alright, let’s take them.” Hyungwon turns off the engine to conserve the little gas they have but leaves the key in the ignition in case they need a quick exit.

“Like usual. Keep your guard up, don’t leave your back open and only use guns as a last resort.” Kihyun instructs more out of habit and they all make sounds of agreement.

Balisong knife slipping from the sleeve of his jacket, Kihyun spots Jooheon sticking close to him, aluminum bat wrapped with barbed wire held high. He knows him and Jooheon are precise and quick while Changkyun and Hyungwon always fight best together, moving in similar ways.

Stepping closer to the bridge, Kihyun feels adrenaline rapidly shooting through his veins. The stench of rotting flesh and gurgling sounds of the dead something he can never quite fully ignore.

“We take the left side, you the right?” Changkyun asks and Kihyun nods, glancing at Jooheon for a second and making sure they’re both going for the same thing.

Moving as stealthy as possible, Kihyun manages to thrust his blade on the side of a lurker’s head and see Jooheon swing at another, completely taking its head off with the hit before two more actually spot them.

Loud snarls and moans echo around the trees as they stagger toward them hungrily. Kihyun forces his focus in front of him but he’s still listening in on Hyungwon and Changkyun’s instructions to each other, confirming all of them are staying safe.

Making sure he doesn’t stray too far from Jooheon, Kihyun slashes through the head of a biter, decaying flesh and bones making it easy to reach the brain.

Whirling around when he hears Jooheon grunts, Kihyun sees another biter that wasn’t accounted for, jaws snapping at them but it’s already too close for Jooheon to be able to properly swing at it so he steps aside and behind it to hold his bat vertically against the lurker’s neck. The barbed wire digs into its neck but he can’t apply enough pressure in that position to behead it.

With practiced ease, Kihyun twirls the balisong in his hand and throws it, blade precisely wedging itself right in between the dead’s eyes. 

As soon as the growling and gnawing stop, Jooheon drops the corpse to the ground, pulling the weapon out with a disgusting squelching sound.

“I think that was the last one.” Hyungwon heaves and Kihyun turns back to the other two after taking his knife back and wiping the blade against his pants.

There are five more bodies on the bridge around them. Almost ten of them appearing seemingly out of nowhere. Kihyun hopes they were only wanderers and not sign of a different herd closing in on them.

“You know it’s kind of hot when you do that shit with your knife.” Changkyun grins, walking up to him while wiping down a machete. 

“You really make me question your priorities every day, you know that?” Kihyun shakes his head.

“What? We were all done, it was the last one.” He reasons and Kihyun snorts.

Sometimes he still wonders how he managed to get so attached to someone like that.

“Can we go back now? I want to clean this off.” Hyungwon groans and now that Kihyun really looks at him, he can see the amount of dark gloopy blood on his clothes.

Changkyun’s cackle only serves in making him think he slashed in his direction on purpose.

  
  
  
  


Back at the shelter, Hyungwon quickly escapes to change his clothes while Jooheon and Changkyun offer to help Minhyuk make rounds to check on the fences while it’s still light outside. 

Once he walks down inside one of the old converted bunkers, Kihyun is greeted by Hoseok but his smile is tight and his eyes sad.

“What happened?” He asks immediately.

“Nothing. Do you have a minute?” Hoseok whispers instead and Kihyun nods, following him in the infirmary wing.

“Who’s this about?” Kihyun questions, realizing Hoseok is leading him into one of the sick rooms.

“You know old lady Kim?” He asks and Kihyun hums.

“She’s not doing so good.”

“She’s not getting better?”

“Getting worse actually.”

Kihyun sighs, closing his eyes and pressing his fingers against his lids. 

He knows where this is going.

“Isn’t there any chance of her recovering?” He asks and Hoseok looks down, pulling the curtain to her elderly’s bed.

Kihyun refrains himself from saying something as insensitive as how she already looks dead.

“She’s been here for weeks after her heart problems started acting up. And she hasn’t shown any sign of improvement.” Hoseok explains.

“What do you want to do?”

“Kihyun we can’t...We can’t keep this up. The medication we’re using on her is rare to come by and could be used for someone who...actually might have a chance later on.” He says and Kihyun sighs.

He knows what Hoseok is hinting to without actually saying it. They have other people to cater to. Decisions they have to make.

“Have you talked to her son?”

“Not yet…”

Kihyun knows from the way Hoseok looks away that he doesn’t want to do it. He knows the man is soft hearted when it comes to telling the harsh truth to people. He probably spent days telling the man his mother would be fine eventually. That she would bounce back.

“It’s okay. I’ll talk to him.” 

With a pat on the shoulder and a thankful nod from Hoseok, Kihyun throws a last look at the frail woman before leaving the infirmary.

It’s scary to think of how desensitized he feels toward death.

  
  
  


Later that night, Kihyun busies himself cleaning and fixing weapons that are looking a little worn down. The quieter it is while he’s on guard the better. He knows that. It means their fences are holding on and no herds are coming close.

It also means it’s easier to fall asleep.

Hunched over a handgun with a broken magazine release pin, Kihyun stills, fingers hovering, ear perked, hyper aware of any sort of noise. There’s someone shuffling outside the armory.

Mouth pulling into an amused smile, Kihyun silently stands and tiptoes toward the door. In one swift motion, Kihyun twists the lock, pulling the door open.

Changkyun stumbles in with a shocked gasp. Kihyun chuckles, watches him clutch at his heart. He throws a pout at him.

“Maybe one day you’ll be stealthy enough to surprise me.” Kihyun secures the lock again. 

When he turns around, Changkyun is already stepping closer, fingers splaying snugly over his hips.

“You could let me believe for once. Go easy on me.” He grumps without any actual sulkiness. Kihyun snorts.

“I go easy on you all the time.” He counters, letting Changkyun pull at his shirt.

Kihyun still remembers when Changkyun had showed up at the gates all those months ago exhausted and starving. Begged them to help him find his brother. The attempts had been futile and it had taken him a few weeks to fully open up to them and by then, he already had Kihyun wrapped around his little finger.

Minhyuk had called him whipped. He didn’t find it in himself to refute the light-hearted accusation.

Naturally, Kihyun hadn’t been able to say no when Changkyun crudely explained why they should give each other a hand, ‘We both like dick, the world has gone to shit and we’ll probably die young. Might as well make the best of it.’.

Feeling the tugging on his shirt more insistent, Kihyun lifts his arms up, lets Changkyun throw it carelessly on the floor.

Crowding him back against the steel door, Kihyun catches Changkyun’s chin between his fingers to seal their mouths in a kiss. His tongue is scorching when it meets with his and when Kihyun presses their hips together he’s pleased to find Changkyun is already hard, his skin almost feverish..

“You’re eager today.” He mumbles against his mouth, want creeping slow and thick in his veins. He feels strands of Changkyun’s damp hair sticking to his own forehead. Pick up the scent of generic soap and something more subtle that is just.  _ Him _ . Kihyun isn’t afraid to admit that he wants to bury himself in that.

“I’ve been trying to get down here for the past  _ hour _ . Sue me.” He breathes, blunt as ever. 

Kihyun smiles, amused, moving his kisses along Changkyun’s jaw to his ear, teeth barely catching the lobe. Just because he knows how sensitive they are.

“What if I want to take my time? Eat you out real nice and slow and keep you on the edge?” He whispers. He knows they don’t actually have time for all that. That he’s technically still on duty. But the thought is nice and the low whine and nails dragging over the skin of his back go straight to his groin. 

“Just fuck me.” He growls, one of his hands moving, shamelessly cupping his cock through his pants and Kihyun hisses, capturing his mouth in another kiss. It’s sloppy and bordering on rough, both of them grappling onto the other. 

Changkyun tangles his fingers into his hair and Kihyun’s hands clutch his hips, all too aware of how much Changkyun is rutting against his thigh, the fabric of his sweatpants in no way hiding the fact that it’s the only layer he’s wearing.

Kihyun wants to stay quiet. Wants to listen. Because Changkyun always sounds so pretty and breathless. His moans and gasps always so rewarding in the way he gives them so freely. But when Changkyun tugs on his hair just the right way and sinks his teeth into his bottom lip in a demanding way, Kihyun groans, his blood feeling like molten lava in his veins. His resolves quickly break.

Squeezing Changkyun’s waist again, Kihyun manhandles him, spinning him around and pressing him against the steel door, leaving an open mouth kiss on the back of his neck. Tugging his sweatpants down just enough to expose his ass, Kihyun sucks in a short gasp when Changkyun immediately pushes back against his crotch.

“Fuck,  _ hold on _ , let me prep you at least.” Kihyun reasons.

Changkyun throws him a sly look over his shoulder. “I  _ told _ you I’ve been wanting to get down here for an hour.” He insists. “There was always someone in the fucking showers.” He clarifies and Kihyun raises a brow, spreading his cheeks, pressing his thumb against his hole and finding it already sleeked.

“You’re impossible.” He chuckles a tad breathlessly. 

“Just get on with it already.” Changkyun whines, reaching back to grip onto his forearm. “There’s lube in my pocket.” He adds.

Kihyun paws at the bunched up sweats on his thighs until he finds the small container. He doesn’t even know when Changkyun sneaked that one in.

Opening his pants only so he can free his hard-on, Kihyun squirts some lube on his fingers, letting the bottle drop on the ground and holds himself at the root. A quiet moan escapes him when he gives himself a few slow strokes for good measures, suddenly all too aware of how sensitive he is.

Changkyun pushes back against him with a whine at the sound and Kihyun chokes back a moan when his cock slips between his cheeks.

“Hurry.” Changkyun gasps, voice needy and higher than usual.

Kihyun holds onto his hip with a bruising grip and wraps his other arm around Changkyun’s chest, pulling his back flush against his own chest. Moving his hips slowly, almost teasingly, Kihyun holds his breath every time the head of his cock nudges at Changkyun’s hole. His body tensing with each drag. The anticipation clear in the way his muscles flex, the way his nails are digging into Kihyun’s forearm.

Ki, please.” Changkyun begs and the small plea goes straight under Kihyun’s skin.

“I got you baby.” He mutters, letting go of Changkyun’s hip to steady himself as he pushes in.

He knows Changkyun prepped himself, he can feel it but it still feels so damn tight and snug around his cock he has to stop halfway to breathe in sharply.

Changkyun has gone quiet, his mouth hangs open when he rests his cheek against the steel door.

Kihyun kind of wishes he could replay the moan that leaves Changkyun when he pushes the rest of the way in and bottoms out.

“You okay?” Kihyun asks, feeling Changkyun breathing hard and still clutching at his arm.

“Yeah, fuck, I feel so fucking full.” He laughs and it breaks into a moan when Kihyun slowly starts moving. He knows Changkyun enjoys that almost too much and overwhelming feeling.

He knows that’s his green light.

Picking a fast and bordering on rough rhythm, Kihyun wraps his other arm around Changkyun’s stomach to steady him, bunching up his shirt and pulling him toward himself with every snap of his hips.

Kihyun latches his mouth against the side of Changkyun’s neck. He thinks maybe he would’ve taken his shirt off so he could leave kisses and taste the skin of his back.

“You feel so good.” He breathes, knowing that even if he doesn’t say it, how much CHangkyun thrives off of praises.

“Touch me.” Changkyun requests, a hitch in his voice at a particularly hard thrust.

He reaches for Kihyun’s arm that’s resting low on his stomach, pawing at his hand to try and have it close around his cock.

Kihyun almost smiles at how he refuses to simply touch himself.

Conceding, Kihyun wraps his fingers around his shaft, using precome leaking from the tip to make the slide easier. Stroking him in time with his thrusts, Kihyun lets his head fall between CHangkyun’s shoulder blades when he feels him tighten. He can feel himself nearing his end but he knows Changkyun is close too.

There’s a quiet mantra of  _ fucks _ and his name dripping from Changkyun’s mouth. Kihyun barely holds off long enough to feel Changkyun’s body tense up, hear the cracked moan falling from his mouth and feel his fingers getting covered before he buries himself deep, throbbing hard, pleasure washing over him in a strong wave.

Taking a moment to gather himself and let oxygen travel through his system again, Kihyun opens his eyes, not remembering even closing them, and rubs his palm on Changkyun’s stomach.

“Told you I don’t need rope with you.” He chuckles, low and weary.

It takes Changkyun a moment to catch up.

“Shut up.” He huffs, groaning quietly when Kihyun pulls out.

Tucking himself back into his pants, Kihyun slaps a hand on Changkyun’s ass just to see the half-hearted scowl it earns him.

“You totally wiped your hand on my shirt.” He whines when he straightens up his clothes.

“Just giving back what’s yours.” Kihyun grins simply because he loves seeing Changkyun looking so aggravated after being ready to beg for the smallest touch.

“I’ll let you have this one because I’m getting leaky.” He says with a straight face, pulling at his sweatpants and Kihyun snorts.

“You got some on the door, I’ll clean it for you.” He says as if doing him a favor.

He doesn’t hide the shit-eating grin on his face when Changkyun squints at him.

  
  
  
  
  


“We need to find gas soon or we’ll have to start traveling on foot again.”

Kihyun rubs at his face tiredly. He knows Minhyuk is right. Hyungwon had said the same thing a few days prior but they still haven’t had any luck so far.

“What about the highway ramp pile up about twenty miles from here.” Changkyun points on their map.

“It was swarming with biters last I saw.” Jooheon shakes his head.

“That was almost two months ago. Maybe they’ve moved on.” Kihyun offers, trying to not let himself get too hopeful. Too many times they’ve been faced with dead ends.

“It’s pretty far out,” Hyungwon mutters with a frown.

Kihyun sighs. He knows Hyungwon worries about the same thing as him. What if they get there and the place is overrun? What if they make the trip for nothing and waste even more fuel. “Do you see any other option?” He still asks because he doesn’t see another solution.

“It’s worth a shot at this point.” Changkyun voices and Kihyun can feel his eyes on him. 

“You up for a run?” He asks as if they’re talking about going to the corner store.

“It was my idea.” Changkyun shrugs. Kihyun knows they’re both trying to downplay the situation and ignore how precarious it might be.

“Are we all going?” Minhyuk speaks unsurely but Kihyun shakes his head.

“We’ll just go the two of us. As little weight as possible to preserve fuel if the trip is unsuccessful and as much space as possible if we can fill up cans.”

“We should head out now, there’s still a few hours of sunlight.” Changkyun stands and Kihyun follows.

“I’ll get our gears. Get the siphon pumps from the other cars.”

  
  


In under an hour, both of them are geared up and ready to head out. Kihyun keeps telling himself that this is a normal run. In a sense, it is. But he also knows they have more at stake and the possibility of getting surrounded in an open space like that is very much likely.

He knows it when Hoseok comes out of the shelter and grips his arm.

“If anything feels off, you guys turn around.” He insists sternly. 

Kihyun knows it’s nothing to smile about but he can’t help the corners of his mouth pulling up.

“We’ll be fine. We’re basically professionals at this point.” He chuckles, patting his shoulder, making sure Hoseok doesn’t know just how much he himself worries.

  
  


“You didn’t have to lie to him like that,” Changkyun speaks, slouching in the passenger seat, feet propped up against the dashboard.

“What’s the point in worrying him with my worry.” Kihyun raises a brow, reaching over to knock Changkyun’s feet back on the footwell.

“You’re  _ that _ worried about doing this and you’re still dragging me there with you.” Changkyun muses. “Do I really mean this little to you?” He asks in faux hurt.

Kihyun considers humoring him and playing along but he knows that, sometimes, honesty works best on shutting him up. “I can’t trust just anybody with my back.”

Just as he thought, Changkyun falls silent for a moment.

“You shouldn’t stroke my ego like this you know.”

“Don’t worry I have no trouble bruising it either.” He chuckles.

Changkyun fixes him with a weak glare before he pulls out a map and gives him directions. Telling him which roads to avoid. Places they previously marked as dangerous or blocked.

Kihyun knows that one of the reasons why he wanted Changkyun to come with him instead of Jooheon, who he fights better with, is because of how easily he walks the line of being silly, playing around and knowing what they do is dangerous, never risk free.

“We’re close enough for now, let’s walk.”

The highway ramp in sight, Kihyun squashes the hopefulness brewing in his chest. It looks calm. Deserted.

“It’s quiet.” Changkyun voices his thoughts in a whisper. Their footsteps are silent. 

“The herd that was here left but be careful of the lurkers that might have gotten stuck in the cars.”

Kihyun knows he doesn’t have to say it as they approach the wreck. He knows Changkyun has been out there as often as him and the grip he has on a crowbar is sturdy.

Changkyun doesn’t mention that and simply nods.

Kihyun’s hold on his knife is sweaty despite the chill in the air. His eyes dart left and right, in between the bent and broken pieces of metal. There’s nothing. The dust and grime undisturbed on the cars. No gurgled moans, snarling. 

No decaying bodies on the ground either. No one looted this place already.

Throwing a glance at Changkyun, Kihyun can tell he’s as relieved as he is.

“Let’s start. It looks as safe as can be.”

  
  


Filling up the gas cans is quite a long process with how many they have but they get the job done. They only need to take out three lurkers that were stuck inside cars. Easy and fast.

Once they’re done and they’ve made plenty of trips back to the car, Kihyun glances inside of a car. “Maybe we should look through in case we find something useful before leaving.” He voices and Changkyun nods.

“If there’s any sort of portable game console, it’s mine. I’ve been looking for one since forever.” He calls out.

Kihyun snorts. He won’t admit that it’s out of fondness.

Bringing their rucksacks from the car, they go through a few trunks and backseats. The ones they can reach. The ones where the doors aren’t jam closed against other vehicles.

After a while, they find themselves at the trunk of the same car. Kihyun peeks curiously when Changkyun pulls out a locked box that looks like it might contain a gun. They’re not exactly short on weapons but it doesn’t hurt to hoard as much as possible.

He only chuckles when Changkyun groans after forcing it open to reveal a hand axe. He also raises a brow when he sees him throw the box away and hold the axe.

“I thought you hated axes.” He says, rummaging through a different bag in the trunk.

Whoever’s car this was definitely had prepared for the worst. Shame none of it was used all this time.

“I loathe them. But Hyungwon said his has gotten dull.” He explains distractedly, shoving the weapon in his rucksack.

Kihyun has a remark on the tip of his tongue. Something about Changkyun having grown soft and caring. But the words die in his throat when he spots movement from the corner of his eye.

Snapping his head in the direction, Kihyun’s blood runs cold when he sees lurkers dragging their feet toward them. They’re coming from the direction of their car and there’s too many of them for him to count. To many of them to successfully take on.

Mind spinning, trying to find an escape, Kihyun grasps Changkyun’s wrist and squeezes  _ hard _ . Enough that he doesn’t ask questions. His head whips around and colors drain from his face.

Kihyun knows most of the car doors are either locked or jammed. They can’t open them without making noises that would attract the dead to them.

“Under the cars.” He frets quietly.

Both of them scurry to the ground, sliding their bodies under the two closest cars with enough space under them.

Kihyun feels his heart painfully hammering against his ribcage. The moans and groans are growing louder. The shuffling of feet on asphalt closer. 

Trying to control his breathing, Kihyun fixes his eyes on Changkyun and he’s pretty sure this is the first time he’s seen him look so  _ scared _ . His fingers are clenched white around the crowbar on his chest. His head is turned in his direction and the pure fear in his eyes seizes Kihyun to his core. 

He hasn’t felt quite this helpless in a long time.

He knows this is most likely a wandering herd. Groups of lurkers passing through. They’ve seen them before. They were most likely alerted by the noise of their own car when they drove through. They know it happens. But they’ve never been  _ this _ exposed to them.

Kihyun closes his eyes for a moment, the stench of dead flesh overwhelming as they walk around and through the wreck.

Unsure of how long they stay unmoving on the ground, Kihyun prays that the herd almost completely passed through when there’s less and less noises and feet passing by them.

Until one of them seems to halt in between the two cars they’re under.

Kihyun’s eyes shift between Changkyun and the dead’s legs. He wants to shake his head, say no, when Changkyun reaches a hand down to grab onto the pistol at his belt. The sound of a gunshot would call back all the lurkers that walked away already. But he also knows that if this biter sees either of them, they might not be able to gather enough strength to kill it in their position.

When the biter turns and its feet are pointing toward him, Kihyun clenches his teeth, shaky grip tight on his balisong.

“ _ Don’t _ .” He mouths silently toward Changkyun when he aims toward the dead when it crouches on the ground.

Kihyun resists the urge to shout when decaying hands grapple frantically at him. Crazed eyes and snapping jaws inches away from his face. Struggling to keep the teeth away from his flesh, Kihyun slowly pushes his blade inside of the biter’s eye socket.

The hands on him turn limp and thick dark blood trickle onto the side of his face and neck. He does his best to stomach it, stomach the smell. Shuffling a few inches to the side, Kihyun lets the body rest beside him. If anything it gives them covers from other lurkers possibly picking up their scent.

Chancing a look toward Changkyun, Kihyun can see the way he’s shaking, his eyes wide and brows furrowed in fear or worry he’s not too sure which is stronger. All he can do at this point is send him an ok sign.

It doesn’t erase the expression on his face.

They stay under the cars for a long time. Long after they hear the last lurker walking through. Even if just to make completely sure it’s safe to get up. 

But they’re starting to lose daylight now and they definitely don’t want to be stuck here once it’s nighttime.

Kihyun signals for Changkyun to help him move the cadaver so he can get out, the other side being jammed against a truck. Giving a curt nod, Changkyun grimaces, dragging his body from under the car.

Grabbing the dead’s arms, Changkyun pulls at the same time Kihyun pushes. With a joint effort, they manage to move it away and Kihyun slides from under the car.

As soon as he stands, Kihyun feels Changkyun crush him in a hug.

“I’m disgusting,” Kihyun says, knowing the lurker leaked all over him. He can feel it on his face and sticking to his clothes.

Changkyun only squeezes him harder.

“I was sure it got you.” He mutters against his shoulder. Kihyun breathes out a short sigh, hugging Changkyun’s middle for a moment.

“Let’s go back. We have enough for now.” He says, voice soft, feeling Changkyun nod into the crook of his neck.

Picking up their bags, they make their way back to their car, the fuel cans taking up most of the space but Changkyun opens the trunk to throw in the stuff they picked up.

When Kihyun sees it, Changkyun doesn’t. He’s on the other side of the car and he sees the biter there. Right next to him.

The shout of Changkyun’s name leaves him so desperately it hurts his throat. Changkyun startles, stumbling back when the dead lunges at him. Kihyun sees him hold his arms out to keep it away, crowbar clanking loudly against the road. Kihyun feels as if his legs are made of lead as he rounds the car.

The pained groan he hears at the same time he sees teeth sink into Changkyun’s right hand fill Kihyun with unfathomable rage. He sees  _ red _ .

Charging forward, Kihyun rams into the biter. Forcing it away from Changkyun and onto the side of the road. It doesn’t care. It only snaps its teeth at him instead. Reaching to the side, Kihyun picks up the crowbar Changkyun had dropped and repeatedly bashes its head.

Once he stops, breath heavy and hands dripping with dark blood, there’s no head to speak of. Only a black and red pulpy mess.

“Ki.”

The broken whisper snaps Kihyun away from his wrath and he whirls around.

“No no no...Fuck, let me see.  _ Fuck. _ ” He panics, reaching out to take Changkyun’s arm.

Dragging him back to the trunk, Kihyun frantically searches through Changkyun’s rucksack, bringing out the axe he found earlier.

He can’t bring himself to look at Changkyun’s face as he slams the trunk of the car shut. He can’t see anything but the mangled flesh of his hand. His heartbeat feels like a painful throbbing inside of his head as he places Changkyun’s hand on the trunk. His grip on the axe clammy and trembling.

Kihyun holds his forearm to steady it, hesitating because this is completely mad but Changkyun grasps onto his shirt with his other hand. He’s  _ waiting _ .

Squeezing his eyes shut for a second, Kihyun feels sweat springing up the surface of his skin and his vision gets blurry but he shakes it off and clenches his jaw.

The first strike of the axe almost separates his hand completely at the wrist. Blood rapidly gushes out, sprays all over his own hands and Kihyun is convinced that the scream Changkyun lets out will never leave his mind. It resonates all the way to his bones.

The second strike gets the job done and Changkyun crumbles to his knees, bringing Kihyun down with him, blood flowing heavily, amputated arm resting against his lap, body leaning limply against him.

Kihyun shakes, the taste of bile at the back of his throat forcing him to suck in a shuddering breath as he lets the axe clang to the ground, ripping his own jacket apart to wrap the open wound in a makeshift bandage.

“Come on.” Voice cracking with nerves, Kihyun helps Changkyun up and into the passenger seat, rounding the car to head back to the shelter.

“I think I’m going to pass out.” Changkyun slurs barely a minute into the drive back.

Kihyun almost jumps at the sound of his voice, having grown used to the sound of static in his own head.

“You can’t. You need to stay with me. You need to keep your arm up.” He frets, eyes shifting rapidly between him and the road.

Changkyun is sickly pale. Almost as white as a sheet. There’s a sheen of sweat all over his face and his eyes are glazed over. He’s not shaky or looking panicked and Kihyun knows that’s  _ bad _ . 

The jacket wrapped around his wrist is completely soaked through with deep red.

“Maybe we should cauterize it.” He mutters more to himself but Changkyun groans.

“The shock might kill me faster than the bleeding.” He says, his breathing shallow, and Kihyun hits the steering wheel with a loud curse. 

Kihyun is at a loss. He’s not medically trained enough for this. His head is buzzing all over again. Fear gripping at his stomach when he reaches a hand over and touches Changkyun’s forehead. His skin is clammy and burning.

“Keep your arm up. Don’t you fucking dare pass out on me.” He snaps when Changkyun’s head starts bouncing forward and his arm slowly lowering.

Changkyun makes a sound at the back of his throat. Kihyun drives faster.

The drive back takes half the time it took before and as soon as they get back, he sees Jooheon on guard and yells at him to open the gates.

Barely taking the time to put the car in park, Kihyun jumps out of the driver’s seat just in time to see Jooheon and Minhyuk run up to him.

“What the fuck happened?” 

Jooheon’s voice dies in his throat when Kihyun rips open the passenger door and his eyes fall on Changkyun. The blood. The badly wrapped arm.

“I’ll find Hoseok.” Minhyuk clearly pales, running off inside the main shelter.

“Kihyun, talk to me.” Jooheon groans as they hoist Changkyun out of the car. He’s clearly out of it. His head hanging low in front of him, feet barely supporting himself. His injured arm weakly held against his stomach.

“He got bit.”

From the corner of his eye, Kihyun can see the way Jooheon’s mouth parts to say something. Ask more questions. But in the end, he stays silent when they walk inside.

Rushing to the infirmary part of the shelter, they meet Hoseok and Minhyuk there. Kihyun vaguely explains what happens. His tongue feels heavy, thick inside of his mouth. His stomach twists with nausea when Hoseok brings Changkyun down on one of the sickbeds and throws away the makeshift bandage. Blood still pools at the imputation and Kihyun wants to help. Wants to be useful. But his feet are rooted where he is and his ears are still buzzing.

He almost lashes out when he feels a hand on his arm. But then he blinks and Jooheon’s pale, worried face comes into focus.

“Minhyuk is compatible for a transfusion so I need him here. Take him out, we’ve got this.” Kihyun registers Hoseok’s voice. Calm and composed. Sometimes he forgets how strong he can be when it comes to doing his job. Helping others.

Kihyun lets Jooheon drag him outside of the infirmary and when the door closes loudly, he feels a wave of helplessness similar to when everything started going to shit. Not knowing what to do or what to say.

“Fuck!” He curses loudly, fist hitting the concrete wall. The pain shooting up through his knuckles a dull reminder that this is real. That everything actually just happened.

“Don’t.” Jooheon is by his side again in a second, taking hold of his still clenched fist. “He’ll be fine. Hoseok will patch him up.” He tries to encourage. Eyes dull and smile forced.

Kihyun scoffs.

“We don’t fucking _ know _ that. Maybe I took too long and the infection still spread. Maybe he lost too much fucking blood. We’re not equipped for this kind of things. If I didn’t- ” Cutting himself off with a sharp intake of air, Kihyun runs a hand through his hair, distress clawing at his throat.

“Hey don’t. Whatever happened back there, I know he wouldn’t blame you.” Jooheon wraps him up in his arms and Kihyun is torn between pushing him away and crumbling into the embrace.

“You don’t get it. We already had a close call and I said we should check the cars. If I didn’t...the timing would’ve been different. We would’ve left before that lurker- ”

Grabbing his face into his palms, Jooheon knocks their foreheads together. Kihyun is rendered silent, hands clasping onto Jooheon’s forearms.

“You know this is always what we do. We check cars and houses for supplies. He knows that too. This is  _ not _ on you.” He insists.

Giving a curt nod, Kihyun knows Jooheon is right. He knows this is what they do. This is how they live. But he still can’t quite shake the guilt from his guts.

Kihyun isn’t sure how long they stay right outside of the infirmary. Hyungwon joins them after some time. He slips down against the wall to sit on the concrete floor next to Jooheon. Kihyun can’t bring himself to stop pacing.

When the door opens to reveal Hoseok and Minhyuk, Kihyun’s stomach tightens with nerves.

“How’s he?”

“I...I can’t tell for sure yet.” Hoseok sighs, rubbing at his face. “We cleaned the wound, bandaged it properly and gave him some antibiotics. His fever has gone down a bit already but…” He trails off and they all know. They know how things can turn for the worst sometimes.

“I need to see him,” Kihyun mutters, stepping forward.

“He’s still unconscious,” Minhyuk says and Kihyun shakes his head.

“I just need to  _ see _ him.”

His voice breaks. All of them are silent. Hoseok fixes him with a stare. Kihyun doesn’t back down.

“Alright.”

Walking inside the room, Kihyun swallows thickly, eyes immediately falling onto Changkyun’s good arm, cuffed to the bed.

“We can’t take any chances.” Hoseok voices softly, standing beside him. Kihyun nods.

Of course, they can’t compromise the entire shelter. They have no idea if things are going to be okay.

Kihyun steps closer to the sickbed. He lets his eyes trail over Changkyun’s frame. They’ve changed him out of his soiled clothes but his usually golden skin is almost grayish, veins standing out stark and dark. His chest rises and falls slowly, bandaged arm propped against his stomach.

“I think I’ll stay here for a bit,” Kihyun speaks quietly, eyes fixed on Changkyun, feeling as though if he looks away he might vanish or start turning.

“You should wash up and change your clothes before.” Hoseok replies and Kihyun finally breaks from Changkyun to look at him. “If he wakes up soon he probably won’t want to see you covered in his own blood. 

Kihyun looks down at his own body, slowly taking in just how he must look. He’s not even sure he remembers what color his shirt was. He briefly wonders if he’ll be able to completely scrape off the red from his skin. It feels ingrained into his flesh.

“I’ll send someone for you if anything happens,” Hoseok assures, kind eyes staring back at him but Kihyun still frowns. “ _ Anything _ .” He repeats.

Kihyun listens.

When he catches a glimpse of himself in a mirror, Kihyun realizes he’s glad there wasn’t anyone else in the infirmary. He would have most likely scared people with the way he looked. Strung out and covered with blood.

Washing away everything does help. It helps him clear his head. Put his thoughts in order. Regain the composure he usually constantly possesses. 

Somewhere along the line, Kihyun had managed to convince himself that the thought of death leaves him jaded. That he’s not afraid of it anymore. 

But he was wrong. He just didn’t have to think about the possibility of someone he deeply cares about dying in a long time. He got confident. Too sure of their skills and tactics.

He fooled himself into believing accidents wouldn’t happen anymore.

Leaving the showers and stopping by the small dining hall when he spots Minhyuk talking with a man he doesn’t recognize.

Eyes on the stranger, Kihyun approaches the two. “Any news?” He asks but Minhyuk shakes his head.

“Still sleeping. Hoseok is still with him. Jooheon and Hyungwon are taking care of all the stuff you brought back.” He briefs him and Kihyun nods.

“Who’s this?” He asks and Minhyuk’s eyes widen for a second.

“Right. This is Hyunwoo. He showed up almost as soon as you left. We were so excited to tell you we have a new survivor.” He trails off, a bitter note to his tone and Kihyun looks toward the man. Offering him a small smile.

“I’m Kihyun. I would usually take you around and show you everything but.” He stops when Hyunwoo returns the smile politely.

“It’s okay. You’ve got more important things to care for.” He offers simply and Kihyun knows Minhyuk must have told him what happened.

“Hyunwoo was a police officer before the world went to shit and he’s managed to survive on his own for months. We might be able to make use of him.” Minhyuk supplies lightly, tone playful but Kihyun knows he’s testing the water. Trying to see if the man is willing to pull his weight around the place. Earn himself a stay.

“Whatever you’ve got,” Hyunwoo speaks easily even though he has no idea the kind of work Minhyuk might have for him.

“For now just focus on eating and gaining strength back. We know how it is out there.” Minhyuk chuckles and Kihyun throws him a short smile.

“I’ll go back.” Kihyun declares quietly. Minhyuk reaches over to squeeze his hand and Hyunwoo offers him a polite smile.

  
  


Kihyun’s hand is on the infirmary door handle when it swings open. Startling, he looks up at Hoseok’s surprised face before it breaks into a smile.

“I was about to get you.” He offers, voice light and happy and Kihyun feels his chest flutter.

“He’s awake.” He breathes. Hoseok nods, barely blocking the doorway with his body for a moment.

“He’s weak and he needs rest. Don’t keep him up for too long.” He warns but there’s no bite to his tone. Just a reminder.

Kihyun nods, walking inside, eyes falling on Changkyun. He’s propped up against a few pillows instead of lying completely flat on his back. His complexion is still too pale. Still too sickly but it’s already better than before. His hand is uncuffed. But mostly, he’s  _ looking _ back at him. His eyes look tired, lids heavy but he’s  _ there _ . And he’s smiling. Feeble but it makes something grow inside of Kihyun’s chest.

Taking the few steps he needs to take to reach the bed, Kihyun sits on the edge of it, reaching out a trembling hand to push his hair away from his forehead. His skin is a little clammy still but not burning up anymore.

“Hey.” Changkyun croaks out, voice rough. The momentarily happiness Kihyun felt upon seeing him awake fades into a deep sense of guilt.

“Hi.” He whispers back. “How are you feeling?”

“Hoseok gave me something for the pain when I woke up so I’m good for now.” He smiles. Kihyun’s eyes fall accusingly on the white bandage around his wrist.

There’s an apology on the tip of Kihyun’s tongue but he swallows it back. “That’s good.”

Changkyun blinks at him slowly, raising his hand to poke at the wrinkle between his furrowed brows. Kihyun just keeps staring back at him.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Changkyun asks. Kihyun frowns again.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m going to disappear if you look away.”

“You almost did.”

Changkyun falls silent for a moment. A solemn look passing over his face before he schools it with a soft grin.

“You were scared for me? That’s embarrassing.”

Kihyun knows what Changkyun is doing. He knows he’s only trying to lighten the heavy atmosphere. He would usually play along or humor him. But right now the guilt in his chest is overbearing.

“Don’t.” He says, word somewhat sharp. “Don’t turn this into a joke.” He chastises.

“Sorry...You know this is my default mode.” He mutters, reaching to grab his hand. His fingers are cold and his grip weak. 

Kihyun subtly slips from his grip, standing from the bed and walking around the room, eyes falling on the heap of bloodied clothes in a waste bin. His stomach twists again.

“You know there’s a new guy.” He declares, just to have something to say. Something other than what happened to distract himself.

“A new guy?” The surprise is evident in Changkyun’s voice.

“Apparently he showed up much like you did. Alone and needing shelter.” He explains vaguely, reminding himself of what Minhyuk told him.

“I hope he’s not better looking than me,” Changkyun grumbles. Kihyun snorts.

“He’s quite the looker. And he was a cop so he might be good at a few things. Better watch out.” He amuses Changkyun, if only to not have him know how he’s truly feeling.

“Are you kidding? I’m going to have a cool battle scar now.” He chuckles, lifting his injured arm for a moment before letting it drop back down on his stomach.

Kihyun looks back at him with a frown.

“Sorry. Not making light of the situation.” He replies instantly.

“Hoseok said I shouldn’t bother you for too long. You need to rest.” He says instead of spewing everything that’s on his mind.

He has every intention of leaving the infirmary but Changkyun sits up straighter on the bed.

“Wait.” He calls out. “Thank you.” He smiles faintly. “I know I joke around a lot about it but...I wasn’t ready to tap out.” He says. 

Kihyun can only manage a weak smile.

“Get some rest.”

  
  
  


Over the next two days, Kihyun wants nothing more than to stay away from the infirmary. Keep away from seeing Changkyun struggle with pain as soon as the medication wears off. Avoid seeing him look at his bandaged arm with a frown. As if wondering where his hand went. 

He can’t even properly talk to Changkyun without feeling guilt crushing him. But he can’t find it in himself to leave either.

He tries to act like he doesn’t notice the way Changkyun frowns whenever he moves away from his touch.

“Hey Ki.”

Kihyun turns his head to see Hyungwon peeking into the room.

“I’m going to show Hyunwoo around today and everyone’s busy. Can you take over the lookout?” He asks and Kihyun nods, giving him a thumbs up before turning back to Changkyun.

He’s surprised to find him looking almost too pale and wide-eyed.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurting?” He frets, hands hovering, unsure of what to do.

“What did he say?”

“What?”

“Hyungwon. What did he say? Who was he talking about?” The words tumble out of Changkyun’s mouth as he pushes up from the bed.

“The new guy I told you about? Hyunwoo?” Kihyun answers and he knows the confusion is obvious on his face.

“Help me up,” Changkyun says and he sounds almost panicked.

“What?” He mutters trying to hold onto Changkyun’s arm unsure if he should force him down on the bed or help him. “What the fuck has gotten into you?” He groans when Changkyun pushes him off and stands on wobbly legs.

“Let go of me.” 

Kihyun listens as if his hand had burned him and Changkyun stumbles out of the infirmary with clumsy steps. He’s been regaining strength slowly but he hasn’t made this much effort this fast in the past two days and Kihyun has no fucking clue  _ why  _ now seems so important. 

What has gotten him so desperate so suddenly.

Changkyun swings the door open just as Hoseok is coming in. He frowns at Kihyun when Changkyun shoulders past him.

“What’s going on?” He asks, a reprimand obviously on the tip of his tongue.

“I have no clue,” Kihyun responds truthfully, both of them following after him. Kihyun is only a step behind with Hoseok in tow when they catch up with Hyungwon and Hyunwoo. The two of them turn at the commotion.

Changkyun stops dead in his tracks. Kihyun almost bumps into his back. He doesn’t really have the time to voice his concerns before he sees Hyunwoo’s face. A look passes over his features, much like he’s just seen a ghost before it crumbles into a tearful frown.

“Kyunnie.” Hyunwoo’s voice breaks.

Kihyun watches with a mixture of awe and shock when Changkyun runs the few steps separating them and throws himself into Hyunwoo’s arm. 

Hyunwoo stumbles back a little at the force of the impact, picking up his arms to lock Changkyun in an embrace that looks almost too tight to be comfortable. Changkyun just clings harder.

“I thought you were dead.” Changkyun’s speech is jarred with sobs, his body visibly shaking.

“You tell me.” Hyunwoo throws back sounding just as unstable.

Both of them fall into wet laughter.

Hyunwoo pulls back only to cup Changkyun’s face between his palms to  _ really _ look at him. Something close to amazement on his face. 

Kihyun spots Hyungwon looking just as shocked as he feels and the quiet sniffles he hears behind him confirm that Hoseok is just as affected. He can see a few curious people peeking at them into the corridor.

“Maybe we should sit down.” Kihyun clears his throat.

  
  
  


Once they’re all seated in the dining hall, Changkyun officially introduces them to his brother.

Kihyun can’t really hide his shock at that. He still remembers Changkyun begging them to help him find his brother. Brother he had lost a few weeks before they took him in. How they got separated by a herd and ran in opposite directions. Kihyun had no faith in finding him. At least not alive.

“We looked for you for a while but then I…” Changkyun trails off, eyes still teary are he clutches to Hyunwoo’s side.

“I told him that we couldn’t keep going. We couldn’t keep…” Kihyun tries to help but finds that all the words he has might sound too clumsy. Hyunwoo simply smiles.

“I get it. You couldn’t waste resources on someone who was most likely dead.” He assumes. 

“Yeah.” Kihyun gives a curt nod. He’s unsure of how he feels about the way he looks at him.

Hyunwoo explains how he had to settle down a long way from here after finding a small group. They had been helpful in widening his searches but two of them had gotten too sick to travel and ultimately had to be left behind when they went under attack. 

Everything feels like an ugly reminder of how the world truly has become survival of the fittest.

“Thank you,” Hyunwoo says out of the blue toward him and there’s so much sincerity in his voice it makes Kihyun uncomfortable. “For taking him in and taking care of him. For bringing him back the other day.” He adds quietly.

Kihyun clenches his jaw, forcing a smile. He doesn’t understand why Hyunwoo looks so thankful. He had been the one to break Changkyun’s spirit all those months ago about finding the last person he had. And now all he can see is how Changkyun is at a disadvantage if he needs to fight.

The need to escape grows stronger in his chest and he only stays until Minhyuk and Jooheon come back. He then excuses himself with the pretense that he needs to replace whoever is on guard now.

He ignores the hush that falls around the table when he gets up.

  
  
  


For the next two weeks or so, Kihyun falls into some sort of routine. He keeps guard on the lookout at night, sleeps a few hours in the morning and goes out on runs in the afternoon. Rinse and repeat every single day.

He knows there’s something slightly unhealthy about it. He knows he’s doing it to avoid his feelings. Avoid having to talk with Changkyun. At first, he had been too ecstatic to have his brother back that it had been easy to slip away.

But then Changkyun obviously started noticing and pressing. Asking questions. Which Kihyun also expertly avoided. It lasted for a few days until Changkyun backed off.

Kihyun thinks he must have finally realized how much he fucked up.

  
  


Squinting at the cloudy, starless sky, Kihyun looks behind himself when he hears someone climb the ladder to the lookout. He scoots over when he sees Minhyuk coming up. Rifle slung over his shoulder and a thick quilt draped on his arm.

“What are you doing here? The sun isn’t close to being up.” He asks, knowing Minhyuk is on guard after him.

“Couldn’t sleep. Decided to keep you company.” He replies, sitting beside him, wrapping the quilt around his shoulders.

Kihyun observes him quietly for a moment. The sleep lines still evident on his face. The slow blink of his eyelids, that bird nest on his head.

He shakes his head to himself.

“This is an intervention, isn’t it?” Kihyun guesses and Minhyuk has the decency to look somewhat surprised.

“Have I become that predictable?”

“I’ve spent almost every single day with you for close to two years. I just know you.”

“Yeah, well...I know you too.” Minhyuk throws back and Kihyun sighs because he walked right into that one.

“And what is it that you know so well?”

“You’re pushing Changkyun away.” He states plain and simple. Kihyun expected it, and yet he didn’t expect it to make his chest clench uncomfortably.

“I’m not.” He refutes weakly, staring ahead. Refusing to look back at Minhyuk.

“Bullshit.” Minhyuk scoffs. “It was almost impossible to not find the two of you together before but now you’re either alone or finding any possible excuse to leave with Joo or Hyungwon.” He states and Kihyun feels  _ something _ bubbling in his chest.

He’s always hated being called out.

“I’m just giving him time to catch up with his brother.” He lies through his teeth, knowing it’s a poor excuse when Minhyuk barks out a quiet laugh.

“Isn’t that convenient?” He taunts. Kihyun feels a scowl twisting his face.

“What the fuck do you want me to say?” He spits, finally looking at him. Minhyuk looks less than impressed.

“Just be honest. If not with me, at least with yourself.” 

“I’m scared okay?” He snaps. “What if he didn’t want me to…” He trails off. Minhyuk’s face softens and he fixes him with a sad look.

“You’re afraid he resents you?” He speaks quietly.

Kihyun doesn’t say anything. That alone might have been as loud as screaming yes.

“Maybe if you’d stop brooding in your own guilt, you’d see that he obviously doesn’t. You’d see how hurt he looks whenever you shut him out and walk away.” Minhyuk says and usually, Kihyun is all for not being coddled. But it hurts more than he thought to hear what he already knew deep down but was too scared to face.

“You don’t  _ get it _ .” He sighs. “Back there, when it happened. I didn’t do it  _ for _ him. All I could think about was how  _ I _ wasn’t ready to lose him.” He speaks ruefully.

“So you saved him for yourself and then completely shut him out? Makes total sense.” Minhyuk argues.

“Everything feels like it’s choking me. I’m scared it will all come out if I talk to him.” He admits, a certain bite to his words and he knows he said too much when Minhyuk tilts his head toward him with a knowing gaze.

“You love him.”

The words are spoken quietly. Easily. And yet they feel like they’re cutting at Kihyun’s throat. Those words shouldn’t have meaning in the kind of world they live in. They shouldn’t affect him. And yet he can feel his face burning and chest tight.

“Since you’re already up and awake, you don’t mind taking over early, right?” Kihyun says, voice leaving him in a whoosh because he hadn’t even realized he was holding his breath.

Minhyuk blinks at him rapidly as he stands from the edge of the lookout.

“Ki, wait-”

“I’ll talk to you later.” Kihyun interrupts him, slinging his own rifle over his shoulder before hopping down the ladder.

  
  
  


Dropping by the armory to leave his rifle, what Kihyun doesn’t expect when he walks back into his room is to find Changkyun curled up on his cot, his blanket wrapped tightly around his body and brought all the way up to his face.

He hesitates for a moment. Debating whether to stay or flee. The talk with Minhyuk all too fresh in his mind still. In the end, he decides that Minhyuk can have this one. That he should be honest. He quietly closes the door and approaches the cot with slow steps. 

Reaching a hand out to cup the side of his face, Kihyun lets his thumb soothe over his cheekbone. Changkyun stirs. Eyes still closed, he nuzzles against his hand. He blinks awake a second later and Kihyun almost regrets waking him up.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” He asks, no hint of anger or annoyance in his voice but Changkyun still sits up fast and clumsy. Kihyun’s hand falls back to his side.

“Sorry, I thought- I just...I can leave.” He mutters, words jumbled, voice resigned.

Kihyun feels a different kind of guilt creeping under his skin.

“You can stay.” He says quickly.

“I don’t want to bother you,” Changkyun speaks and Kihyun swallows, trying to catch some sort of eye contact.

“You’re not. Stay.”

Changkyun sits back down, legs crossed, finger pulling at a thread in the blanket.

“Why are you here?” Kihyun asks again, sitting in front of him, mirroring his position.

“I miss you,” Changkyun says. For some reason, Kihyun expected him to have a proper excuse and the honest answer momentarily robs him of his words.

“Kyun…”

“I swear I intended on waking up early and leaving before you got back. I didn’t mean to invade your space-”

“Stop.” Kihyun whispers. He hates how downright  _ sad _ Changkyun sounds. His words completely void of the usual wit and cheek. He hates how it’s because of him. “I’m sorry.” He wants his words to come out loud and clear. For Changkyun to know that he really means the apology but his voice comes out quiet and strained.

“What are you apologizing for?” Changkyun asks. 

It feels like a slap to the face. 

He’s not asking him in a way that says he doesn’t have anything to apologize for. But how he’s got a few things to choose from.

Taking in a deep breath, Kihyun looks at him in the eyes. “Everything.” He exhales loudly, knowing he has to elaborate.

The way Changkyun stares at him quietly tells him as much.

“I’m sorry about not giving you a choice back there. Making that decision for you.” He starts but Changkyun frowns.

“I never blamed you for that.” He blurts out. “I meant it when I thanked you when I first woke up. What hurt me most is the way you’ve been acting ever since.” He frowns.

“I couldn’t face the thought of you possibly hating me. So I just...It was easier to avoid you.” He mutters, eyes falling to his lap, knowing the way he acted was selfish. Almost childish.

“Ki. I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. It hurt me so much to think that you could just discard of me like that. It was like...to you...I did die that day.” He finishes, voice tight.

“I’m so sorry I don’t know-”

Kihyun’s words die in his throat when he hears a quiet but sharp intake of breath. Lifting his eyes from his lap, Kihyun’s heart drops into his stomach at the sight of tears clinging to Changkyun’s lashes, his lower lip caught between his teeth. Like he’s trying his hardest to not break down right then and there.

“ _ Fuck _ , no. Don’t cry. I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you.” He reaches forward, cupping Changkyun’s face in his hands and thumbing the tears away from his eyes. “I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, too focused on my own fears, I didn’t stop to think about how you felt.” 

“Just hold me.” Changkyun sniffs and Kihyun pulls at him.

“Come here.”

Changkyun slides onto his lap, still warm from sleep. Kihyun wraps his arms around his waist, holding onto him tightly, face buried in the side of his neck. Kihyun can feel the way Changkyun’s arms wrap around his shoulders. The clinginess of his fingers on one shoulder and the light weight of his other arm simply resting there an ugly reminder of their situation.

A few moments pass where they simply hold onto each other. Changkyun becomes quiet while Kihyun feels wetness building at the corner of his eyes. He feels kisses being pressed against his shoulder and the side of his neck. He feels so damn foolish for trying to distance himself. For almost throwing away all of this.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers again, feeling as if maybe he says it a hundred times it will have more meaning.

Changkyun moves his head back, fingertips brushing against his cheek. He gently knocks their forehead together.

“I know.” He murmurs. “And...I know we never put a title on...us. And I'm okay with that but,” He interrupts himself, a rare blush blooming on his cheeks. “Don’t shut me out like this again. We’re friends before anything and I can’t lose that too.” 

Kihyun nods, afraid that if he as much as speak, all of his feelings will spew out and he’ll fuck up whatever fragile state they are in right now.

“Will you kiss me? I haven’t been shown that kind of affection in weeks and I’m deprived.” He says with a note of impishness wrapped in a hopeful layer.

Kihyun’s laugh is quiet if only to hide how much that single question made his heart jump. How his stomach flutter because,  _ fuck _ , he missed this too. 

He knows they also usually don’t really kiss just to enjoy the close proximity and intimacy it brings. It’s usually a byproduct of whatever way they can manage to get each other off. But now he just wants to kiss him slow, gentle.

So he does.

Kihyun holds Changkyun’s face as if it’s made of glass. He catches his lips into a soft press. Changkyun seems to read his feelings just fine because he doesn’t push for more. He lets himself be guided. His fingers push into the hair at the back of Kihyun’s head and he melts against him.

Sucking on his lower lip gently, Kihyun relishes in the full-body shiver making Changkyun press deeper into the kiss, tongues brushing almost curiously instead of their usual messy ways.

Everything feels so unhurried and yet Kihyun feels as if he might drown. His body feels like he’s the calmest he’s been in a long time while feeling like he’s running out of time if he doesn’t act now.

Pushing any possible bad feeling aside, Kihyun brings his arms down, wrapping Changkyun in an embrace, stroking his hands up and down his back. Changkyun pulls back with a last soft bite at his lip.

Kihyun wants to imprint the image of the soft blush taking over Changkyun’s face into his mind. The way his eyes are so honest and open. How his lips are red and a little swollen. Or at least getting there.

“I want you.” He breathes. Kihyun swallows, feeling his heart jump at the quiet confession. Heat shooting through his veins.

“Kyun...maybe-”

“If you say we shouldn’t because I’m injured, I  _ will _ throw a fit.” Changkyun cuts him off and Kihyun cracks a smile. 

There’s something about having Changkyun talking to him like this again that feels  _ good _ .

“Okay.” He agrees easily. “But let me take care of you properly.” He adds and Changkyun wets his lips, nodding quickly.

Taking his time to undress Changkyun, Kihyun presses kisses to every inch of skin being revealed. Kisses up his stomach to his chest, pressing his tongue against his nipples when he reaches them. He lets his tongue drag over the sensitive skin of his thighs when he throws his pants on the floor.

By the time he’s got him fully naked, Changkyun is already fully hard, cock curving against his tummy. Kihyun smiles at the expecting glint in his eyes when he kisses away the bead of precum from his slit.

“You better get naked too.” He says and he sounds so breathless Kihyun can’t help but feel proud of himself.

He decides to not refuse him tonight and rids himself of his clothes. “I’d help you but I think it would take longer,” Changkyun mutters with an oddly sheepish smile.

Kihyun’s eyes move to his right arm. Kneeling between his spread legs, Kihyun lies on top of Changkyun, the skin on skin contact a comfortable warmth. Carefully touching his wrist where his bandage ends, Kihyun feels that the fabric is thinner now. A clear indicator of the progress he’s had.

Pressing his lips against the skin at the edge of it, Kihyun observes the way Changkyun blinks slowly at him, a deep red spreading over his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. 

He’s so gone for him.

Catching his mouth in another kiss while he’s there, Kihyun slides back down his body until his face is between his thighs. Letting the dip of his tongue drag over his shaft, Kihyun sucks the head of his cock into his mouth before letting go almost immediately, earning himself a whine.

“Can you get on your stomach?” He asks, sitting back a little and Changkyun rolls over without saying a word. The flush from his face gradually moving all the way to the back of his neck.

Kihyun pulls Changkyun’s hip up to bring his ass closer to him, letting his fingers ghost over the pretty arch of his spine. Kihyun spread him, dragging the flat of his tongue over Changkyun’s hole. He hears a muffled moan and looks up to see him clutching his pillow, face buried in the fabric.

Working the tip of his tongue against his skin, Kihyun can feel the way Changkyun’s body squirms, somehow trying to push himself closer to his mouth. Feeling the muscle loosen and slick, Kihyun pushes a finger in.

He moves slow and deliberate, knowing the way he’s acting is testing Changkyun’s usually short restraint. Pushing a second finger inside of him, Kihyun moves them, pressing them down until he can spread them and slip his tongue between them.

Changkyun tightens and gasps loudly, lifting his head from his pillow and looking back at him over his shoulder. Kihyun holds the eye contact, keeping up with his ministrations.

“Shit stop. I’m embarrassingly close already.” He admits and Kihyun chuckles.

Reaching into the little nook next to his cot, Kihyun grabs the lube he knows he threw there before. Before he can spread some over his fingers, Changkyun sits up and extends his hand toward him

Kihyun watches silently for a moment before he pours some on his hand. He watches the way Changkyun’s eyes are fixed on his hand as he wraps his fingers around his cock and covers his skin with it. Kihyun holds back a hiss at the onslaught of feelings. The coldness of the lube clashing with the warmth of Changkyun’s hand. The feeling of finally being touched after not focusing on himself for all this time.

Changkyun leans in to kiss at his chest before he moves to lie back down on his stomach but Kihyun stops him with a hand on his waist.

He wants to say something. Wants to explain himself. Instead, he quietly guides Changkyun to lie on his back.

He knows they usually don’t do things like this. He’s pretty sure he can count the number of times they’ve fucked facing each other. But he knows right now is different. It’s been different since they started kissing.

Changkyun doesn’t say anything either. He simply wraps his legs around him when Kihyun buries himself inside of him. Feels the way his walls suck in him.

Choking back a moan, Kihyun looks at the way Changkyun’s face breaks. The way his mouth parts, his brows furrow and how he doesn’t avoid his gaze. 

He looks so damn  _ breathtaking _ . Kihyun feels his chest grow. The feelings he’s been harboring on the verge of tumbling out.

Lying chest to chest, Kihyun pushes his arms under Changkyun’s shoulders, cupping the back of his head with one of his hands. He knows this is the most intimate they’ve ever been. He knows it and yet it feels so familiar. He can feel and hear every little gasp and breath Changkyun sucks in. He can feel the way his chest shakes and everything feels too much.

“Baby I won’t last long.” He breathes into his ear and Changkyun claws at his back, his legs wrapping tighter around him and Kihyun can feel his cock squished between their stomach, the friction of their skin apparently more than enough to push him over the edge.

There’s a sob-like moan dropping into his ear before Kihyun feels wetness against his stomach and he speeds up, refusing to move back and give himself more room. He knows Changkyun must be oversensitive now and the quiet whimpers falling from his mouth are enough to rip the orgasm from him.

Kihyun is pretty sure he blacks out for at least half a second.

When he blinks, Changkyun is running his fingers through his hair, his other arm resting lightly against his back.

Kihyun pulls back, barely cringing at the mess on their stomachs because Changkyun looks so damn sated and satisfied and frankly, he feels the same.

Cleaning themselves up as best as they can without opting for the showers, Kihyun pulls Changkyun back into his cot with him. It’s a tight fit but he won’t complain about having to hold him close to his body.

“That was nice.” Changkyun speaks tiredly, stretching his injured arm in front of himself.

Kihyun looks at it over his shoulder, his fingers slowly drumming on Changkyun’s tummy.

“Are you hurting?” He asks.

“That was the softest you ever went on me, I’m okay.” He laughs and Kihyun pinches his side, fighting to keep his smile down.

“You know that’s not what I meant.” He mutters, feeling sleepiness rapidly creeping up on him. 

“It’s fine.” Changkyun hums. “You know, I was talking with Jooheon the other day about making some sort of prosthetic once it’s healed. Could be something cool.” He says and Kihyun smiles against the back of his neck because it’s obvious that he’s falling asleep too.

“I’m reserving myself the right to refuse any sort of gun attachment.”

“You’re no fun.”

“Maybe but I love you and I won’t have you risking any more injury,” Kihyun speaks quietly and the words leave him so easily he almost doesn’t realize what he’s said.

Changkyun doesn’t grow tense. He doesn’t look back at him in shock.

Kihyun can see the way his cheek moves up in a smile. He feels him grab onto the arm over his stomach and squeeze it against himself.

“Deal.” He whispers and that’s enough. Kihyun knows all the meaning it holds. He falls asleep easily.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me [here](https://twitter.com/softjoohoney)!


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